Every day, about 40,000 times a day, I have (get) to make a choice. I try to choose "kids" a majority of the time. I feel like...if in the small decisions...I choose "kids" over job, gourmet dinner, clean kitchen, made beds, conference call, clean car, fed/walked dog, perfectly designed marketing collateral, blank TO DO list, then I'm making the right choice. And...it might prevent me from having to make THE BIG CHOICE. Work vs. Family. I know I won't give up my family's well-being, but I also know that I like to work. I don't want to give that one up either. SOOOO........if in the little daily decisions...1 hour of concentrated mommy for homework = bacon & eggs for dinner....if I choose to connect with my kids over all else...even though they go to aftercare and we get home at 6...if I choose THEM first...I won't have to give up the other. Is it true? I'm not sure yet. I'm in the thick of it now and I'm hoping it'll work.
If I gently persuade the tiny (yet, about-to-tip-and-get-big) start-up that I helped found to stay in this neighborhood as we search for a new headquarters...that's choosing for my kids. Will that save my girls an extra month of therapy at age 45? Who knows. I'll certainly offer to pay for their therapy to heal my mistakes.
Can I drive on field trips? No...certainly not, but I will offer to check all the parent's insurance forms (another post on that nightmare for later). Volunteer in the classroom...only rarely.
I WILL cry on my way to work after my daughter tells me "I play by myself at lunch recess" or cringe at my desk at the thought that my 6 year-old is sneaking silly bands to school in her pockets to "trade in the bathroom during recess." Why is it so stressful?
My own mother (who didn't work...except in our home and in my father's home-office...which was surely no cake-walk) never once set foot at my elementary school. She never came to middle school that I remember, and I only remember her on my high school campus during my volleyball games or on graduation day. Other than that...those were "my" worlds. Is that why I'm so independent? Am I actually doing my daughters the same favor? Right now...that's what I'm choosing to believe.
Becoming a mother is a choice...and so is everything that follows.
